“It would be so easy,” said that little voice in her head. She knew that voice. It was a liar. “Just a glimpse, it wouldn’t hurt. No-one would know.”
Wordlessly she shook her head. There was no point arguing with that whiny, reedy voice, as that was the first step to capitulation. Amy wasn’t going to start down that road. Not after all the progress she’d made.
The voice kept on wheedling and pleading all morning, but she ignored it. Ignored the voice, and the keys. Why were they sitting there, on top of the dresser, instead of hidden away up the back of the kitchen cupboard where they belonged? Then she could forget about it all, if she really concentrated on everyday things… normal stuff.
“I know,” sighed the voice, “I can tell you.”
Throughout the day Amy found herself drawn to the room. There was always some minor task that needed doing, she told herself–she did, not the voice–and each time her eyes flitted over to and then away from the keys. Barely acknowledging their presence, and how wrong it was.
But she’d beaten the voice. It was no longer cajoling and promising in her head. Smiling to herself, Amy patted the pocket where she had placed the keys after absentmindedly scooping them up.
Bustling about the house, she sang along to the voice on the radio with words she couldn’t know, unaware of the mists roiling ever closer.
The ever sagacious Questing Orc sent me a link to an article by Steve Pavlina. I have a feeling I may have read it long ago, or if not this specific one, then something much like it. To be honest over the years I have read many in the same vein. But this one is resonating more, partially due to our conversations and mutual support (something I am dire need of (like most people) in all the unpleasantness that is 2020).
I nearly wrote “because I am more mature” in the above paragraph, but didn’t–for reasons I’ll touch on later.
This article has much more pull on my thoughts and feelings for a number of reasons, and I wanted to go into more depth about it, mainly for myself in order to get my thoughts straight, as per this quote from Flannery O’Connor: “I write because I don’t know what I think until I read what I say.”
Plus, it gives me a productive first post for my rebooted website.
For me, the intro is the least effective section. If I had just stumbled upon it on my own meanderings on the internet, I would most likely have bounced off it. But since Questy recommended it, I plowed on.
Section one, Burn the Ships I warmed up to, as I’ve heard many similar stories, but have never really related to them. I like reading them, though. The main reason for not identifying with it is while I might complain about the paperwork, parents, and politics of teaching, the actual playing with kids and showing them cool new stuff, is a ton of fun.
I incorporate a lot of humour in my lessons (my philosophy, if I am pressed for one that sounds somewhat legitimate (as opposed to my normal work ethic) is that “learning should be fun for both the teacher and student–titles that can be reversed as and when needed” (…I lie, that end part is new as of this sentence, but it sounds way better, so I will run with that). The start of the school year, new kids, multiple classes of the same year level and so on has me hitting my stride. My delivery, timing, examples, tangents and cadences are all there, and it’s a pleasure surprising them with wonder… especially the more jaded ones (and there’s always some in every class).
So the ever popular “side hustle/passion project/whatever hobby you are attempting to elevate to your main income stream” is not (in my current frame of reference) going to supersede teaching. As always, when I am neck deep in reports and marking, my opinion might change, but the wheel turns and come the next season everything will be great again. So I don’t get the 100% focus. I am happy with just writing for fun.
Section two, Fill Your Environment With Desire Boosters also doesn’t gel for me. Forget about what colleagues will say… I’m a teacher, I don’t want the inmates catching on! I have already had to burn a couple of social media accounts as I had too many students wanting to interact (there are a bunch of Friend Requests from kids and parents that I regularly ignore on FB). There are a few nods to this though–a quote here, an image there, and such, but it is understated.
Section Three Surround Yourself With Positive People is an interesting one for me, as I can prophesize doom and gloom along with the best of them at work (mainly because I am well versed with the sort of ratfuckery that can get pulled here). I relish trotting out scenarios, it’s a fun way to pass the time. I am always happy to be proven wrong, but even when I am right, I am still remarkably cheerful. Not because I was correct, just because it’s my nature. My optimism is boundless, as is my willingness to help others (even to my own detriment).
The second paragraph doesn’t really affect me (yet), because I don’t really talk about writing to many people, except to friends, and they are supportive, much in the way that my favourite artists are people I know–because it was made by a friend it is even more impressive than something created by a random punter.
Section Four, Feed Your Mind with Empowering Information on a Daily Basis is one that never really drew me before. I don’t mind the occasional self-help book, program, or listicle, but I don’t want a reading diet that is just that. However, the consumption model for me this year has frequently been doomscrolling–the inability to look away from newsfeeds just injecting horror, hurt and injustice straight to my brain (this is where I declare that I am infinitely grateful for only having it inflicted on me in this way, rather than having to live through it, but you get the point, I would dearly love to get those hours back each day).
That is a pretty good segue into Section Five, Replace Sources of Negative Energy with Positive Energy so well done him for stitching it together that way. In the past, I often ascribed my optimism and general high level of happiness to a short attention span and poor memory. The reasoning behind this is summed up well by this Vonnegut quote: “I urge you to please notice when you are happy, and exclaim or murmur or think at some point, ‘If this isn’t nice, I don’t know what is.'”
I make a habit of noticing, and noticing my noticing, little everyday joys every day. That’s why we call them that. Ages ago, I did a twitter thread about it (but I am bad at twitter, and won’t look for it right now, but I have been meaning to update it and compile it somewhere less ephemeral… that can be next week’s task). So this is a yes for me already, definitely on board here.
Section 6, Dress for Success makes me laugh. My fashion sense is questionable at best (though somewhat muted these days), but any such suggestion always makes me think of this excellent comic by Extra Fabulous Comics.
Nothing really jumps out as something I have to do different to be driven or winning, or whatever adjective we want to go with.
So far, it looks like I am striking out with this article.
Section 7, Use Mental Programming had me rolling my eyes. Affirmations, upbeat music, Neuro-Linguistic Programming (NLP), ugh. Tried it, seems stupid. Next.
Section 8 (the last) Take Immediate Action to a degree discounts some excellent advice I had heard about making a webcomic (that’s where I heard it, but it works pretty much anywhere you want a consistent posting schedule)… make a 3 month buffer before you start releasing content, because real life will get the way.
But Questy was starting now. And she saw value in this article. And Questy is a mate. And by the power of the transitive property, ergo this was a good and useful article and I should start now. So I did.
It wasn’t till later that night when I was lying in bed that things started stirring in my noggin. And more noticeably, in the shower the next morning that it really started to click, and I started retroactively nodding along. Particularly section 7, which in the past I have always and forever dismissed (and did, scant paragraphs above). Part of the trigger for this was recently (for a generous definition of “recent”) seeing enough posts along the lines of “You wouldn’t talk to your friends like the way you talk to yourself” where I really had started paying attention to my own self talk. Like many many people, I used to (a new change in temporal phrasing there) find it hard to take a compliment, and was very self-effacing and self-depreciating in my interactions with others. In a related issue, I find meditation difficult, as my mental chatter is almost constant–but it’s not always uplifting. Over the past two years in particular, I noticed just how bad it was at times (not all the time, there is also a lot of filler. And uplifting stuff too, especially about family). I thought back to the times I tried affirmations, and realised that the occasional verbalised statement is a mere trickle compared to the flood of mental static, so of course it would take a while. I liked B. J. Fogg’s Tiny Habits, where you chain actions together (though I didn’t do it enough for it to stick).
So I looked for a role model to help me fix it. For a while there, I tried to emulate a mate’s RP character. It worked to a degree. Then I thought it was better to ditch my self-image of Snellopy (the dwarf who is largely my virtues turned up to 11, and my vices filed off or recast as virtues. The desire for this change was largely due to booze, and I had 6 months completely dry). I looked for another me I could glom on to, and remembered one from long ago. The pink haired avatar I have been sporting (wow, time flies!) for about a year now, is modeled on them.
But much as I like elements of them, they are not me. I’m in the process of finding? making? writing? a new avatar, which I hope to reconcile old bits of me with new bits of me.
There are elements of my self-talk–or maybe that should be self-image–that are good (flexibility, optimism, high resting state of happiness, sense of humour, child-like wonder, etc), but there’s lots that wasn’t. In writing this piece, I frequently went back and removed or rephrased sections which were tearing me down (it wasn’t malicious, but it was still there, working I guess a bit like Crowley’s patina of low level evil from thousands of minor interactions). However, there’s also elements of my self-talk that are bad, because they go too extreme (looking at you, particularly, flexibility and willingness to put others before myself)
This revisionist history of myself is a good thing. It will allow growth, I believe. It’s not a case that I will be inflating myself, more I won’t be tearing myself down. The reframing is the start of progress, and will provide a solid base for the next phase, whatever it is.
